The Lost Boys and The Way Back
How Jiu-Jitsu Can Give Young Men Purpose
In this country, somewhere between boyhood and manhood, many of us are finding ourselves lost. You can see it on the internet and in the political sphere. Young men are feeling left behind and ultimately lashing out at women and society as a whole.
When men feel left out, whether that’s intentional or perceived, we tend to lean on counter culture to push back with. In this case, the far right and fascism.
The question that needs to be asked is, why and what can we possibly do to curve it.
There’s so much focus on individual power that these guys start thinking that doing your own research is better than actual science.
- Joe Blanchet
Struggles For Young Men
Mental Health Stigma - Societal expectations are difficult to meet and when you are feeling depressed, society then tells you to suck it up. Don’t share your feels, stop crying, and handle it. Men need support.
Lack of Positive Role Models - Male abandonment has been such an issue for young men. Sadly, boys in single parent households will struggle to overcome the lack of a man in the home. No matter how well intentioned a mother can be, boys need and crave male role models.
Harmful Online Content - Social Media’s love for ‘Wealth Porn’ almost heightens the feelings of not reaching those expectations. Another aspect of harmful social media content are the toxic voices that have such long reaches.
Underachievement - By the time that so many of us reach our early twenties these days, we lack a connection to self confidence due to our underachievements.
Male Fragility & Evolving Norms - As women ascend educationally and financially, they don’t need men for the same reasons that they once did. Ultimately, they can be pickier than past generations. When you don’t have a positive role model to guide you on what you need to do to make yourself more viable, you’ll view all of this as an attack on men.
How Jiu-Jitsu or Activities Like It Can Help
Men need two major things in their life.
They need adventure and failure.
The adventure or quest will have moments of great highs and big lows. In my life, my two biggest adventures have been joining the United States Army Reserves at the age of seventeen and pursuing Jiu-Jitsu at thirty.
Neither were cake walks but each spoke to a part of me that needed attention and development.
Structure and Discipline - The Army allowed me to understand the importance of structure and discipline. If I had not had the military as such a young age, something like Jiu-Jitsu or organized sports would have served a similar purpose.
The structure of Jiu-Jitsu and more specifically, the relationship between how someone works and how it equates to an intended outcome is incredibly important.
Physicality - Young men and boys need some form of physical play or skill building to feel like ourselves. This is will undoubtedly change as we age. Boys for example will instinctively tussle with other boys. But as we age, many men will transition out of that physical play and move onto other physical hobbies and skills.
As you get older your interests will change, whether it’s building a computer, working on a car, or learning how to defend ourselves. Doing something physical is in our DNA.
Mentorship - This is one of the most powerful things anyone can have, but men often lack. Mentorship keeps you accountable to your goals and those around you. The feedback you get and the ability to plug into someone’s experiences is priceless.
My first Jiu-Jitsu mentor was Will Baldwin and I accredit much of who I am as a student and instructor to him being there for me during my early Jiu-Jitsu years.
A Third Place - People in general, men specifically need places where they can be around other men of varying standing. The Bar, church, and gyms, are amazing places for men to go to.
Jiu-Jitsu has been one of the only places in my life where I can meet and train with stoners, police officers, doctors, teachers, and active duty service members. There are men, women, young, and old. That collection of humanity broadens a man’s perspective on society and life.
Inner Work & Emotional Intelligence - While you can use Jiu-Jitsu and practically ignore the emotional inner work, a good practitioner wont. Jiu-Jitsu has a way of testing your preconceived views of yourself. My Jiu-Jitsu failures have forced me to understand aspects of myself that I didn’t know needed attention.
I remember I lost a match that I just knew I should have won. I worked my ass off and I lost. I had never felt so let down athletically before, that I broke down and cried quietly. I couldn’t tell you why, it just sort of happen. What I remember most about it was that my instructor at the time put his arm around me, almost shrouding me from everyone else. He didn’t say anything, he was just there.
Healthy Masculinity - Right now, the loudest people on social media and podcasts in my opinion have an unhealthy relationship with masculinity. Some of the advice is great, but much of it is also shit. Masculinity is not just physical; like fighting, shooting, hunting, and providing. It’s also the emotional and understanding of yourself. It’s protecting others and guiding those that come after you.
Jiu-Jitsu gave me the confidence in who I am, as imperfect as that is, in knowing that I didn't need anyone else to define what masculinity means to me. That allowed me to tap into the softer aspects that are often ignored. It taught me to instruct, guide, and lead with empathy and love.
Failure and Rejection - The Lawnmower and Concierge Parenting approach has created sanitized young men who are petrified of failure and of being rejected. In the end, these men are finding it difficult to adjust to life’s changing demands. Instead we’re complaining about an attack on men and that society has tossed us aside for the betterment of women.
I’m forty-four and have been doing Jiu-Jitsu for the last fourteen years of my life. Jiu-Jitsu is the one place in my life where I can actively seek failure. It’s a padded room with friendly training partners, who have helped me build a healthy relationship with failure and rejection.
The Problem with Men, with Scott Galloway on What Now?
If you can, this episode is an amazing listen as a whole, but roughly the last 15 minutes speak to these specific issues. (1:10:00 mark)
Fighting For Our Values: Politics, Fascism, & Jiu-Jitsu
Last Thoughts
I know this is a touchy subject and many will respond negatively. They’ll demand that I and others keep politics and social issues out of Jiu-Jitsu.
My response is this.
People are complicated and to ignore a portion of them and what they are going through or have gone through is a failure on the our part. As instructors and leaders in the art, our job is to serve the community as best we can.
In order to do so, sometimes these conversations have to be had.
Thank you for reading.
David Figueroa-Martinez
Founder, DFM Coaching
Coach | Writer | Grappler
DFM Coaching is dedicated to helping you overcome mental hurdles and achieve your full potential in BJJ. Whether through in-person instruction, seminars, private lessons, remote coaching, or video analysis, I provide personalized support tailored to your needs. Keep pushing forward, and let’s grow together!