An Open Letter Revisited
The Divide Between Men and Women
I recently joined a group of like-minded Jiu-Jitsu practitioners and gym owners discussing the state of Jiu-Jitsu culture.
The specific concern being the Extreme Right’s advancement into many Jiu-Jitsu and MMA gyms and how it’s affecting the culture as a whole.
Not to speak for everyone in the group, but for me, I usually don’t care about anyone’s political leanings. My preference on the matter is that we don’t discuss them. But, in saying that I do think that when certain things are occurring in the country and ultimately in our gyms, discussions need to be had.
It’s no different than the women’s movement in Jiu-Jitsu that was demanding better pay. It’s our job to notice, diagnose, and fix the issues.
I wrote the following blog on February 28th. If you haven’t read it, I’ll give you a minute.
An Open Letter..
For nearly the last fourteen years of my life, I’ve trained and taught Jiu-Jitsu. During the course of my career I’ve seen quite a bit of change.
While I would agree that the vast majority of gyms are probably fantastic places to train; welcoming, positive, supportive, and family friendly.
The concern is those gyms that harbor and foster an environment that is quite the opposite.
We work in an industry where we help struggling adults and children overcome traumatic episode in their lives. For us to have an environment that is anything other than accepting and supportive is a failure on our part.
“This isn’t a fight between right and left anymore. This is a fight between people who want to be Americans and people who want to turn us into something else.”
Chris Kluwe
The Divide
I posted the article on Threads, Bluesky, and various sub-reddits. Most comments came from r/JiuJitsu and r/BjjWomen, so that’s where I’ll focus.
At the date of putting this together..
r/JiuJitsu garnered thirty-two comments and fifteen upvotes.
r/BjjWomen received twenty-six comments and forty-three upvotes.
What was significant about my interactions was the way the positive and negative responses fell along gender lines.
It’s safe to say that r/JiuJitsu is a majority male subreddit, which is perfectly fine.
The sub-reddit did have some supportive comments but the majority were harsh and angry. r/BjjWomen on the other hand was far more positive and even the few comments that were not outright supportive were at least respectful.
Thoughts on Why I think This Is
Men and women obviously have different worries, concerns, and observe the world with different lenses. The Gallup graphic above is a great example.
In simply existing and doing every day tasks..
Men will casually run errands, go hang out with friends, and walk alone at night, rarely legitimately fearing for their lives. Of course there are always exceptions, like a man who has gone through a traumatic experience and is dealing with PTSD.
Women on the other hand are constantly assessing threats and fending off the unwanted advancements of men, never feeling completely comfortable in most public settings. This makes someone hyper aware of the underlying current of any given situation.
It’s incredibly easy to overlook or even outright ignore an issue, when you’re typically not in a state of risk due to an issue.
Too many men hold strong opinions about issues like the one that I originally wrote about. We’re way too casual about discarding the experience of others and discounting our own potential blind spots.
It’s really no difference than when men tell women that sexism doesn’t exist. Or when people of color say they routinely experience racism and are promptly told that they’re too sensitive or woke.
Some of us have an unnatural and unhealthy connection to our beliefs and identities, Jiu-Jitsu included.
It’s why we’re having such intense debates about Gi and NoGi, IBJJF vs ADCC, ADCC and CJI, or even the Ecological approach vs the Traditional one.
I’ve often said to people looking for a gym, if the gym you’re trying out does not have women regularly attending, there’s probably an issue there.
Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it’s cultural to the area the gym is in or the time slot, but in general woman don’t usually stick around in places where they don’t feel comfortable.
This is why it's so important for us as men to be mindful of how we conduct ourselves on and off the mats. It's not enough for us to not be the issue itself. It's a necessity for us to call out the issues when and where we see them.
Final Thoughts
I’m not perfect. There will be moments when I myself might all short, but I will never allow myself to witness bullying of any kind and not lend my voice to the issue.
In my classes and the spaces that I am responsible for, empathy and kindness will always be key principles.
DFM Coaching is dedicated to helping you overcome mental hurdles and achieve your full potential in BJJ. Whether through in-person instruction, seminars, private lessons, remote coaching, or video analysis, I provide personalized support tailored to your needs. Keep pushing forward, and let’s grow together!
